Worth

I️ wanted to discuss a less fashioned topic and a more personal topic I️ and many others deal with on a day to day basis.

In a world build on image, shown through social media, relationships hanging on with text and FaceTime, and connections based on Instagram follower and likes, it is hard to remember who you are, the value you hold, and what you truly and undeniably deserve. I️ have been in a constant battle between myself, God, and the people I️ surround myself with based on this desire to feel worthy. For a longtime I️ felt as if I️ knew my worth, knew my value and who I️ desired to pursue based on these understandings, but I️ am confident and happy to admit that this worth I️ claimed to feel was inherently due through the validations of others. I️ would have days on cloud nine, feeling the best I️ could be, loving the experience I️ was given but I'd almost immediately have days that threw me under a cloud of insecurities, regrets, and doubts depicted by a loss of this temporary worth. Worth found through the validations of others is temporary worth.

I️ became so reliant on this validation I️ couldn't have a good day without it. So when my day felt dry, I️ would post a picture on Instagram to feel somewhat relevant. I️ literally got bangs, yes because I️ wanted a change but also because I️ wanted others to acknowledge this change. Don't get me wrong, I️ love them but when "OMG Holly your bangs are so cute" turns to "haven't you always had them" I️ realized how short this validation was.

So why am I️ admitting this? Why am I️ expressing my deepest level of vulnerability?

I'm here to share a realization that took me 19 years to fully understand and accept. It wasn't easy having your entire wall struck down by a wrecking ball, even though the supported structure was cracking. But it was just a matter of time, and yes it was inherently painful but also incredibly relieving. This pressure to perform for other people was a heavy weight that is slowly being lifted the more I️ catch myself seeking this faulty worth.

What my hope is for those who read this is that you wake up. Quit letting that idiotic man/woman define your beauty. Stop living through your social media image and start living for the experiences and people who see your deepest self. Be around people who naturally make you feel on that cloud nine, who appreciate your time, love, and entire existence. I️ am exhausted from half-assed effort, unintentional connections, and this depleting effort to prove myself. Because those that don't see your worth don't deserve to experience it.

https://twitter.com/mvrwadelrey/status/1097843168811327488?s=12